Borderline PTSD

Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Borderline PTSD

Here I am sitting and pondering how I can change things again. Never bored but always looking for something has to change. We are stuck in an undeniable dilemma here in boredom land and boredom is not something anyone should have to bear. A seeker of constant excitement and stimulation winds me up like a clock and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need more. I need more to satisfy me so I can feel, breathe and know I am alive.

How can I change these tired moments into pleasures? How does a person relax when he is looking to find a balance or blend between pain and comfort until it’s enough? Say the word and I will be there by your side as nothing seems to satisfy me more that doing this boredom thing together. Together we will find a way to satisfy the life we are living.

Sometimes these trips to the other side hurt a little. Sometimes the journey desensitizes my emotions as I stop feeling anything at all. Elbow deep inside the borderline of boredom I stand shoulder deep with you as we sand side by side, hand in hand. Exposed by a mixture of love and hate I look forward to being totally free of hate but its killing me just the same. I can feel a storm coming over me again and again over and over as it bleeds me and cuts my heart in two.

Sometimes I hear a venomous voice calling out to me. Sometimes I feel temptation and dark shadows dragging me down to my knees defying gravity and willpower. I fight with all my might to keep this feeling come over me and as I connect to your hand, I beg my heart to stay open and keep me from fading or slipping away. The snake is near, it is shedding its skin and looking in its eyes I can see he is bound and determined in killing the spirit inside of me.

I feel that touching you will keep me safe. I know that having you will change my ways and I know that if I can tear these walls of despair down to the ground, I can love you again. I search for deep water so the snake will drown. I know that if I can shake this evil spirit, it will all fade away. Days away from seeing you or touching you, I feel you touching me and changing me back to the way it was before.

Change is coming through the shadows. I can see my wounds heal as I stop picking the scabs created by the bites of the snake as it has been crawling around looking for a weakness. Although confused, I wallow in my mind to clear my head of any delusions. My shadows is still following me and as I feel the change, it wants to pull me back inside and poison my memory of you and all the good things you bring into my life.

I chose to live, I chose to change and I listen to my heart as it grows fond of the way you hold my hand and take me out of this borderline of boredom. I see my shadow changing. I see my armor soften up as my heart yearns and cries for your touch. I am hoping I can clear the way to see you again as I cross this borderline of boredom back into rationality again. No more hate, no more paranoia and no more lies to kill the good things life has given me. I hope to step out of my shadow soon and come out back on the other side.