Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
































































































































Saturday, April 11, 2015

Life is Oxymoronic - a short poem


Life is Oxymoronic

 

How do you deal with your circumstances in life? How do you make it all come together and make sense in what happens and why it happens to you, my friend?

What is it that tells you to stay, to move or to turn around and how does that space inside your head keep you so clear on where you want to go?

How do we live with terror and how do we tell our love apart? What is real and what is disappointment and how do we say we care but the disillusion drives the others away.

I feel so strong yet I can sense the frailness in my bones as I walked a thousand miles to see my loving parents who passed away when I was but a young man not yet grown but old enough to know better and become a better son.

How do I thank the Lord for the silence in my head and keep my heart so strong as I know the consequences of doing anything wrong.

I can honestly say, the years have been kind but the last few years have been most difficult for me as it watched from afar and see so many shed their tears. I think of the church as a temple of tears but can also see it as a temple of fears.

Life is tough yet I have softened up to the point where I cry so easy whenever I see a kindness committed or a fire ball in the sky. I’ve seen the lunar eclipse a time or three and the sky darken around me just before it brought the light.

Not strong enough to fight, not weak enough to take flight, I stand my ground and pray you will be around when it’s my turn to go to the earth.

For being with you has made me strong and although my life has been difficult at best, I know I am weak,

For although I feel fine when I am alone, my head once laid down on my pillow of comforts, for one, cannot sleep or rest………….. until I know you are around.

Sentencing video on Jodi Arias

Women in Prison - Doing Time Part II

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My Country Tis of Thee -Tricked into thinking Doom

My Country Tis of Thee -Tricked into thinking Doom by Carl ToersBijns


 April 8, 2015 (sorry it's another long one but worth the time if you got the dime)
Don’t you wonder sometimes what people are thinking when they see or hear what you wrote or said and that you are standing on the wrong side of the road? Is there a point that comes along somewhere along the line that makes you realize how screwed up they are for making you think you are the one who is doing the wrongful thinking? Don’t they realize it’s them who are on the wrong side of the road?
I know today, whether you live in South Carolina or North Dakota, there are people who refuse to accept or acknowledge that their thinking is wrong and that we are not doomed for an apocalypse or damnation and that if you follow history, this is just another phase of change our country endures as it struggles with the war on drugs, culture, aggression, religion and many more as it comes to us on the high density screen and carried by various major media networks, each telling their own version of the story and the basis for their truth.
Every day, we are told of the dangers caused by extremists around the globe. Each and every morning we wake up to an act or war or criminal passion that devours the Christian soul and the levels of understanding you acquire when you grow up and follow your beliefs and customs to please yourself and others quoting the Golden Rule but very rarely seeing it happening around your own little world.
We petition the destruction of fracking, we want to change the world in climate control and what we eat as our produce and cattle are genetically altered with hormones and substances created my man to make more food, but take in less in nutritional value and impose new limits on our health. We tout our politicians to protect us as they focus on protecting themselves first disregarding our Constitution and making laws that restrict and impede our God given rights and well-earned privileges with excessive taxes and punishments for acts allowed by God but denied by mankind.
We stand our ground to defend ourselves as the cultural mood shifts from decade to decade eroding the soul and breaking the hearts into pieces as families suffer and families divide under the social pressures that races splits and divides neighborhoods and pit cops versus law abiding citizens as the innocent children watch from afar, keeping their play guns out of sight.
Elders shake their heads as they look outside their houses from their obstructed view as they installed extra locks, and iron barred storm doors and windows to separate what the air we breathe divides. Our taxes are spent on foreign wars so the foreign oil can be secured and sold with profits on Wall Street as our refineries are filled with surplus oil and products, yet the price of a barrel stands steady on the rise.
My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of whom I sing, where have the churches gone, where are the peacemakers and when will our conscience return back to us as it was robbed one night when Congress passed the Patriot Act and took away our freedom to move from border to border without an ID card in our pockets.
Living from one decade to the next of being black or white has changed colors to red, and brown and many more. There are no barriers in race yet the bi-racial children feel the hate and resentment knocking on their doors.
They can see the fire in the eyes of those who want the perfect race, the abundance of hate-crimes and the intrusive manner government has set the rules to incarcerate every young man of color and either make them join the army, leave the country or become servitudes to the cause and powers in place no matter where they live.
Our country is not at a point of doom, there is no apocalypse and there is no end of the world sign on the street corners. We must all belief there is a God, a loving God, who will bring us back together as one and as we believe the word to be truth and the truth shall let you see the light of what has been spoken of for centuries and always come true.
Yes, we have endured wars, famines, hate riots and lynching of innocents and guilty as we are surrounded by terrorist carrying bombs and explosive materials from one country to another, blowing up planes in the sky and the local market between shopping malls and business trade centers. We’re talking about acts of war and witness poverty around us as the poor remain poor and the rich get richer.
We can’t blame this on Islamic terrorists, although your Congress may want you to feel that way. They want you to focus your hate on foreign soil as our men and women toil the spoils of war for them and those who hired them in their pockets to make more bullets, guns and rockets for the sake of peace and keep the threat of war under control of those who have the power.
You must have guessed by now who are the handful of nut jobs out there, the “lone extremist” and wackos who are telling you the world is doomed. As they endorse the consecrated acts of burning our flag and stomping on our Bible, they falsely hail the banner of righteousness in the name of liberty and justice.
It isn’t just the KKK who are spewing hate and vitriol all around the world. Look around and you will see, it might just be the man or woman you elected to office or the kind neighbor who lives next door. You might not see there motive, their agenda to change the world. But what you know now should open your eyes and believe for yourself that the only doom there is lays silently inside your heart and silent it will remain until you become courageous enough to say it’s over, and that you won’t take this anymore as enough is enough
Take back your political clout and honor. Re-visit your power to vote and make it count. Don’t shed your responsibility to be honest and do what you know is in your heart. Never mind the threats or fear that exists around you. Never mind these doubts or uncertainties you have and speak your mind. Do not paint yourself an apathetic loser and take back what you know was once yours or mine.
These wackos want you to surrender. They want you to quit and raise your hands up high and give them the power to unleash even more hate and wrathful pain through taxes and more constraints. With faith we can overcome every obstacle. Having faith has proven to erase the ability to discriminate if you believe in God and all men are created equal we must stand together and prepare for a long ended fight.
We have to challenge the bigotry, the generational cultural discrimination and the institutionalized level of fear. We can’t stop them all at once but by voting them out of office, one evil at a time, we can conform again to the Golden Rule and paint ourselves as modern day heroes or crusaders as we lift our righteousness sword to the heavens and pledge God Almighty a victorious fight.
I don’t have to wonder, who is wrong and who is right. None of these wackos will ever admit they were in the wrong as that proclamation will not come without a fight. This time it is not about color, this time it’s not about sexual orientation or the wealth in your pocket. It’s not about gaining “religious freedoms” as you have had them all the time.
This time it’s about thinking about tomorrow. This time it’s about our country who has suffered and this time it is about the control we have or forfeit if we give into the will of dominion. For it’s about dominions and not the matter of color, race, creed, belief or orientation. Cast aside those bible thumping thieves in the night who stole your very soul on the pulpit of hell when you gave them control.
This is about your God given right to raise your children. Remember that believing in God is not a religion. It’s not about their satisfaction but what is important for yours. We have given the evil a license to discriminate and they have abused their welcome. They need to move along and either change direction or cast themselves in hell.
Take back our Ten Commandments; take back our nativity scene and praise our Lord’s Prayer out loud in our schools and public places. Don’t let them criticize you without impunity, don’t let the rule over you and call you a lesser man. What is their true intent is slowly showing. Their agenda has been flawed from beginning to the end.
Show your disgust for their license to discriminate. Show your disrespect for their cursing of your rights to co-exist in peace and harmony regardless who you choose to be with in your own house or table. Be careful how you define the agenda of conservatism – be aware of false prophets and the message they bear. We still have the First, the Second, the Third, the Fourth, the Fifth, the Sixth and many more Constitutional amendments to protect us. Don’t give them to the Devil and let them rule their evil might.
If you doubt what I said then ask yourself, “Why are they attacking the ones who call themselves real Christians?” what is it they fear from those who still believe in heaven above? Open your eyes and see how their claim to persecution, is really a ploy to defeat you and your principles by modern day hypocrites and those seeking more dominance from you as you have shown your heart belongs to the real God above refusing to give dominance to them as they strangle you economically, financially, and impose on you a burden, that should have never been blessed from above.
Seldom do I talk about such matters but the time has come to never be silent again. Stand up for your brothers and sisters as the time has come to aid our country, once again, against threats, domestic and foreign, either with words, beliefs, explosive or guns. We must protect America.

Icicles hanging from my head


Icicles hanging from my head

By Carl R ToersBijns

April 8, 2015
Some say it’s cool to having icicles hanging from my head, they draw such clear crystal clear streaks and make me look so beautiful and cool standing in the sun, but deep inside these spikes of ice, there is trouble deep brewing inside my head that is making me feel cold and old mixed with emotions not new

Because I let those very same frigid conditions form these icicles hanging from my head, I have to deal with my snow covered emotions and freezing water inside my veins causing me to be damned and dammed from the world and separated from the warmth and comforts I once knew, before this ice lifeform appeared and made me turn blue as if I was ready for the dead

Icicles can cause so much damage, it has never really been told, no one who wears them so proudly on the sides of their heads, has ever been so bold, to loosen up and tell the truth, when icicles melt and pour out your concentrated contaminated soul, your troubles are far from over, as your begin a new life in dealing with this emotionless cold

The results are not pretty, the once smooth skin just peels away like a snake when it sheds its skin, and the body warps and twists with pain as you begin to realize the sagging discomfort inside you will sadly forever stay

I cannot forget to mention the dampness you feel inside and the soggy feelings about others you once knew, as you felt the loss of valuable warmth dissipate into the once blue sky above your head, now covered with grey and stormy clouds

Icicles can bring you mold and mildew as you wake up each morning with the frozen morning dew, as you realize so sudden, you have become a magnet for anything that draws the heat away from you

As the frozen masses melts into icy water and runs sadistically through your vessels including the brain; no matter how hard you tried to shake it, the freezing water runs freely through your veins and avoids your body from making the heat to make it all go away and no longer make you feel this way

As time passes by, you realize your icicles may stay around forever if you let them, as you realize there are no quick fixes to the frosty temperatures around you and the icy emotions that it mixes, so you dam up your soul and you dam up your heart, without the heat inside your body, no healing will ever start

As time causes the freezing water to flow up to these dams above, your mind and soul escape the desires and wants of a bountiful kind of human love; thick ridges appear, your skin appears solid for this lifestyle you have chosen as the frozen hate inside of you has put out the fire of passion and desire to become a loving being again; in your mind you know the truth, you know which way to let the water flow and let this coldness go

If you let the freezing water collect in the chambers of your still warm but broken heart, the heat will collect and form an accumulated collection of fond memories and faces of people who you have long ignored and return your life back to normal with a warm and cozy thawed out start; But whatever you do, don’t hack away at the ice or frozen mass with chisel, hammer or any other dangerous tool; for the damage done if you hack it away will turn you into a bigger fool

A fool who will do more damage than good, a fool that could throw everything precious away, as you lay new seeds around your feet and take the time to ask for blessings and pray

When you find God, the icicles will disappear – word

 

My head in a Vise


My head in a Vise

By Carl R ToersBijns

April 8, 2015

 I would never suggest you place your head in a vise and try to imagine the pain I feel is real

Tis too painful to do and experience as you may already know if you have fallen in love with romance and career unless your heart is made of steel

There is no other way to express the pain and frustration than telling you plainly, the truth as it hurts

My head in a vise only expresses my objectified pain and suffering like no other emotion as my words are just a bunch of senseless blurts

 

The romance was doomed from the moment I met you, standing there in all your beauty and glory

There was no way I could be free and at the same time be with you, it could by no means be a never-ending story

My career skyrocketed as the day was long and the pay was abundantly generous, but knowingly, missing you would make me sad and blue

I couldn’t have asked for a more complex moment to decide which one it was I wanted most

And wouldn’t you know it, the boss said it can’t wait as he wanted me to fly now, way over to the west coast

 

Knowing I can’t have both and that no matter how hard I attempted or try to hold onto my boo

The most powerful component, gluttony, took over and caused me to choose the job over you

Time did not allow me to make up my mind, the way my heart was telling me to think

And herein lies the problem, for the pain inside me, is knowing I will never see you again

Cause I am being awfully selfish and rather be me, than see you in my plan, not knowing when I could see you again as I close my eyes and blink

 

In lost time and painful reflection, my changeability and mindset took toll and I was missing you so bad

Every day I was awake, as I woke up to go to work feeling oh so lonely and sad

Shaking my head, talking to myself and saying don’t make any excuses and do not living with any regret

My heart kept aching as it was breaking, as your sweet smile and memory I could never forget

And with every empty moment in time, the voices of us being together come back

 

So instead of walking with my head in the clouds, my head was in vise

Sometime back, I remember a friend telling me the truth, and giving me advice

She said if you love her, you choose love over greed rather than the desire to succeed

But if your mind is set on making the big time, then it is time for you to move ahead

Sitting here with a splitting headache with a vise clamping down on my head

I should have walked away from greed, I should not have wanted so badly

 

So here I am, alone in my platinum covered with glass penthouse pad

Knowing it was the wrong message for my heart and my head when looking back at what I have become

And suffering daily with an existing mental concept that I want you back

I am crying out loud now, suffering the consequences of my head tightly twisted and feeling very bad

I try to convince myself it’s all in my head and that I am not really feeling so sad

Ignoring the totality and facts, that I have fallen off my perch up there in my penthouse pad

 

Making the lushly green colored money and knowing it’s all in my overprized head

I can feel the instability and pain appear again, as a solo tear falls from my eye down my cheek

Thinking how my life has turned into darkness with my broken heart feeling oh so blue and bleak

Working hard on trying to explain this metaphor of my head being inside a vise driving me mad

I toss and turn each night I think of you, as I lay still here in my exaggerated lonely king size bed

But no matter how hard I try or cry to leave your memory or face behind, the vise is still tightly wrapped around my head

 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Tracking the Tracker –Hunting Humans


 There are not many stories told of the K9 tracker teams or the solo tracker responsible for spotting and following signs left behind by a careless escapee or group of escapees.
In fact, not much at all is told of those brave individuals who sacrifice so much and receive so little of a reward for their hard work that is an essential part of any manhunt but often gives way to the publicity given to those involved in the actual apprehension of the fugitive for the sake of the camera and public relations purposes given such moments.
You may start the awareness of the tracker from the moment the escape has been noticed and the alert goes out for the first responders to answer the call to find the missing person. Everyone involved know the risks involved in fast pursuit, armed fugitive manhunts and none takes this challenge any less serious than the solo tracker who works alone or the K9 tracking team who work day and night, wind, snow or rain to find the escapee at all costs.
Trackers search the breached area for clues and signs and determine the direction taken and the tracks provided to begin their search. Their first analysis is crucial to those who need this information to follow up with other resources.
While others are deployed to pre-designated roadblocks and mobile chase teams, these trackers analyze and determine the value of the clues or signs left behind so a better understanding can be gathered from the evidence left behind or signs detected along the escape route giving the manhunt a sense of direction and determination to close in on the fugitive at neck breaking speeds.
Because time is so important to trackers, they must conduct their risky business at a moment’s notice to take up the challenge of tactical tracking as it is one of the most dangerous jobs in the fugitive retake business. Hunting armed suspects is never easy. The risks involved are numerous and extreme making such ventures an adrenalin rush for those participating in the manhunt.
Tracking is a scheme of man versus man as well as man versus nature. The escapee(s) are using the same senses the hunters have with one exception, the hunters should have better equipment, training and analysis skills than those they are hunting.
The difference is what keeps the trackers alive and the hunted prey. In some cases, if the tracker is outsmarted by the hunted, the end game could be fatal as the hunted could become the hunter and turn the danger around and turn the manhunt into a tragedy.
Having previously been a manhunt tracker with the New Mexico Department of Corrections, I was willing to respond any time of the night or day to answer the call to a manhunt. The single most critical fact I faced was the fact that I didn’t know if the fleeing suspects were armed or not and if they were desperate enough to kill someone to get a chance to get away and never be found.
I had to deal with a potentially fatal homicidal intent by convicted felons or jail escapees pending murder charges for crimes they were trying to avoid by escaping from the jail. All this, without the full knowledge of all the facts and relied on the dogs to do most of the work to offset the mindset of those we were following or hunting to the bitter end.
I remember one manhunt assigned to was the helicopter escape from the Santa Fe penitentiary. They flew down the Rio Grande River and landed in a small town airport leaving the pilot and another inmate inside the helicopter and running for the thicket of the Rio Grande River.
When the dogs arrived, we were assigned teams and I drew the dog team knowing well from my experience before with this very same team, I would be crawling on my hands and knees, wading through water at waist high level and fighting off the encountered with snakes and a myriad of stinging and biting flying mosquitoes infested and insects crawling over my skin and clothes as I climbed barbed wire fences to keep up with the dogs.
It was more often the trackers encountered many things not counted on when running along the trail and without much thought as to what they may find, these trackers exhibited courage that only brave individuals could bear and withstand as the stress was unsurmountable and real every minute of the run.
Although we trained for such a situation, we never train hard enough to meet every test on high risk trailing giving us a disadvantage that could cause to be fatal if the mistake was a grave one.
One major disadvantage was the fact that although you carried a sidearm on your belt, the chances of drawing such a weapon while handling the dogs were rare and often puts you in precarious situations that can only be solved by never tracking alone. Having no real ability to defend yourself, you rely on your partner to protect you and anything less is unacceptable.
Running and handling a tracking dog is a full time job. Hampered by the lead, the speed and the dog’s trailing behaviors creates distractions that takes your eyes off the threat around you and completely makes you vulnerable to the attack by those you are hunting.
Compound this with a forest full of thick trees or being dropped off by a state police helicopter in the middle of a level clear meadow inside a national forest wildlife sanctuary where no motorized teams can go, or a snow covered mountain range filled with caves and jagged voids that create good hiding spaces, the vulnerability factor is so high, you cannot take but notice the danger of being exposed while running with the dogs.
This was the key to my involvement, this was the job I was assigned during these manhunts as I became the cover man for the handler at the point making sure I was the spotter for both of us and become the ears, the eyes and the gun for the lead tracker with dog.
The stress was unbelievable, the weight on your shoulders unbearable and the need to be alert for every second you were running at the close proximity flank of the point lead tracker with the dog. The main factor to the threat was the proximity given when chasing a fugitive or a group of dangerous and desperate men.
The proximity was critical as there were times where you actually pass them by as they hide and conceal themselves from you as you approach them with all the chances that the dogs knew they were close by but the handler and cover man had no clue until the danger appeared.
Too often, after the hunt was over and the interview with the escapees reveal that proximity was dangerously close at times and that if the suspect had an opportunity to fire, they would have, leaving trackers at a strong disadvantage to defend themselves out there by themselves.
Hence it was important to learn the proximity alert as it was a little bit better preparedness for such a danger and offer a little bit more security in dealing with the threat of being shot or killed by those you are hunting.
A manhunt is very fluid, fast paced, tactical adjustment at all times keeping you and your team as safe as possible while hunting the prey. No two manhunts are the same and training should be given for every scenario possible to keep trackers safe.
Although you can train hundreds of hours for the hunt, you will find that there is no way to duplicate the reality as it develops before your very eyes. The adrenalin rush, the danger and the excitement is what makes you tick but the reality of a tracker is the rush of the hunt and the end game of capturing your prey before the others get in the way.
Working the tracking scene is a situation that is limited by time and weather. The longer the fugitive remains out there, the less of a chance there is to find him. Time is not on your side and once your time is up, your role can be suspended until a fresh sighting is made or confirmation has been received they were apprehended and the chase is over.
Some references were provided by an excellent book written by Jeff Schettler’s newest book “K9 Trailing: Tactical Tracking Teams – we thank Jeff for sharing some of his experiences as a tracker.
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Monday, April 6, 2015

Putting my Demons Asleep


Putting my Demons Asleep

 


There is more to what you can see or feel, there is more than I can share

For what is within me, does not care for you or me, or whether I sleep or stay awake all day

As long as I feed it the evil it needs, so more evil it can make, it will host my body and stay

I am but a mortal soul, never claiming to be anyone else, especially those who think they were made out of clay

 

Look into my eyes and see the darkness, look into my soul and see it bare all it can bring of  care

There are no brittle bones that hold me together, there are no feelings I can spare

Don’t get to close to me, please don’t waste your time and don’t ask me what I think,

For how I feel, nobody cares and inside my body hides the darkness that evil brings from inside of me, as my heart and mind when free of evil, beg me to see a shrink

 

I can feel a tug of war, deep inside my soul; it feels like demons and angels hard at work

Confusing my head, twisting my thoughts and making my life a clockwork of a guessing game

Seeking out the few who still love me no matter what, and scorn those who fail to see the cause or blame

Of those who hide so deep inside of me, to drive this crazy ride, a ride from hell without a grip of my hands, feeling oh so frail

So tell me how my demons act, please tell me you are not too afraid to talk to me, or listen to my horror story or tale

 

To tell me the truth, and show me some love, as the demons come and go as they please, leaving my heart often broken and feeling shattered and stale.

Just talking about the evil inside me, has turned your skin so wet and pale

The fear in your eyes tells me so much has been taken away, so much has gone astray

If I push you away, it means I care, for the demons inside me make me want to protect you and keep you safe from their deeply entrenched hidden evil power

It’s not at all like it seems as you think I live inside a penthouse up there in the ivory tower,

 

So if I feel weak or strong it really doesn’t mean a thing for real, as it is the demons inside that control the mood to work or when I look like I want to play

When these demons work, they devour the drowning spirit and when at play they give me away, surrendering to other mortals seeking fun and making me miserable and making me pay

Mistreating my heart and soul, and eating my flesh as they tear me apart like a slaughtered prey

Tossing me around like a rag doll and feeding me like a homeless getting a hand out on a plastic tray

 

With demons awake, I cannot not breathe, as they take away from what love I need the most

Leaving me the heartbeat of an undead man and giving me the shell of a manly ghost

So I try to make them sleep, and arrange some kind of peace inside of me, serving them as a rudderless host

As I often admit to fail to manage to make them fall asleep, therefore keeping me awake and cause me more pain, a promise to tell all, I cannot keep

Sending sharp telepathic messages to my head, and shut me down as these electronic waves, short circuit the thoughts inside my brain, making me lose control and say those things that demons say

Whether they are at work or play or dead or alive, as I continue to be their vulnerable prey

Never leaving the darkness, not even close to grey, they stay inside me and cause me to forgo me the ability to pray