The Last time I was at war with myself with PTSD

Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Last time I was at war with myself with PTSD

We have all had those moments that last longer than expected or anticipated as we battle within ourselves how to deal with the good days and the bad one. One might become weary and frustrated to the point of giving up but then a voice inside your head tells you to get over it and move on.

t’s that little voice you need to pay attention to because it is the trigger you need to make peace with your heart, you mind and your soul. Living a life that leaves you nothing but empty feelings and emotional distress is a hard cross to carry.

There are times you may feel like giving up and worthless, broken or damaged beyond repair and no longer carry the will to go on and deal with the constant nagging feeling as you fight others and yourself throughout the day. Don’t give up, do something about it. Never let yourself down because others put you down or you feel not worthy of praising yourself.

I was at war with myself for years and I thought about quitting a few times but had so much invested in my career, my life and my commitments made, I just couldn’t face myself in the mirror if I gave up and surrendered. I was better than that. Although I faced the reality that some things were self-inflicted and perhaps a case of making bad choices, I knew I would find a better place if I kept trying to find it.

I knew I was a winner and not a loser. I knew somebody cared even when I stopped caring. In my head I knew someone loved me even though I might not have loved myself enough but somedays my head or heart was paralyzed and my mind lost track of the reality that it was worth fighting for to become stronger again and overcome my hatred for myself.

The truth be told, the reason why I was fighting myself was because I was facing the reality I was living. I didn’t deny these things around me as others did and dealt with them the best way I knew. I called this reality as living authentically and realized that the way I lived brought me the pain and the frustration I received daily as I sometimes lost my self-control. In my world or reality I was losing control and giving it to the negative dynamics that surrounded me.

It was time to move along. It was time to urge myself to improve my self-growth, esteem, confidence and other parts of my emotional intelligence as well as my physiological strengths. I had a choice and the choice was living.

I needed to find a new place to park my head, my heart and my soul. I needed to change the scenery and leave behind where I have been and move to a place that was new to me. It would be foolish to say this wasn’t difficult but too motivate beyond the fear was the key.

I knew overcoming PTSD would not be easy. I knew overtaking the addiction to alcohol, drugs and change of my mindset would take time and effort. I needed to look and find a new place to live, a new job to make a career and a new perspective in life to be in harmony with myself and others. This was the path I knew I had to take and I set my life in motion towards this goal of freedom.

Leaving behind any thoughts or hints that this change would be impossible I focused on today and tomorrow and left the past behind. Some would say it was preposterous to just pick up and go and start a new life but the truth is that it is such extreme decisions that separates the failures from the successes. These required changes were all hard but absolutely necessary to survive.

Consider your past a necessary and an unforgiving sin. Ask for forgiveness and confess your weaknesses in order to face the truth tomorrow. Judge not yourself but praise yourself for the things you did well and the courage for leaving your other life behind and take up another life tomorrow.

Realize you are human and will sin and succumb to temptation but never surrender your willpower to correct your ways. Being mortal is being sinful but staying true to your morals will guide you down the right path of life. Life is not perfect and neither is man. Life is to be enjoyed as love will bring you joy.

Awaken you soul inside you so you can breathe the fresh air of life. You have endured a war with yourself and in the end you were victorious and see what you are no more.