I normally don’t write about things like this and I can’t
explain why I feel compelled to write about funerals and suicides all in the
same sentence. Perhaps it is because I have been to so many funerals that were
suicide connected and feel that there is dire need to address the two in one
story line but keeping it perspective and order. I hate funerals and I am sick
of suicides.
I
experienced my first suicide back when I was a teenager and my friend down the
street hung himself in the garage. He left a note for his parents but no matter
what it said, I couldn’t understand what it was that drove him to kill himself.
I was shocked mortified and in disbelief such things happened just right there
under my nose and I had no clue he was that depressed about life he would do
this.
So as I scroll my mind and recalled all the deaths and
funerals I have attended both personally and professionally, I can conclude
without a doubt many of them were suicides. Thinking I will just leave out the
names and circumstances to give them the well-deserved dignity, respect and
privacy, I will summarize these events by saying they all came suddenly and
they were all unexpectedly surprising as I had no awareness such sufferings
were going on in their heads.
I was told I had become sensitive to funeral because of the
dynamics that were involved in the process. The truth is I never know what to
say, how to say it or when to say it. It all seemed so lost and unbearable to
even mutter a word to someone who is grieving. The process of communicating how
I felt was difficult but I managed to overcome my lack of words with the
communication of body language that express the pain and sorrow at hand.
Seeing how my nonverbal communication worked better for me I
learned to cope with funerals but often had deep thoughts afterwards of how the
whole thing went down. I know I had to give a eulogy once and even had to
deliver words at the funeral of my parents but I never quite got over how to
put it all together thus I often bumbled and fumbled with my words as I tried
to control my emotions.
Sometimes I just said what was on my mind and other times I
had written it down so I would remember what to say at such difficult moments.
I became aware that the culture within your life, your work and your surroundings
often play an important role in this process. My attempts to convey thoughts,
feelings and values was all based on cultural inferences, acceptances and
approved methods of participating in such activities.
I was worse when we had open casket ceremonies versus the
closed one. Seeing the face, the body or the person just triggered an emotion I
had to deal with before I could say the words I wanted to and often denied me
such opportunities.
I know this and that is very important. Grief is personal.
Grief is private and not meant to be watched. Tears and choking moments are
personal and should be kept out of sight the best way possible. That’s just how
I feel as others will tell you just the opposite. High profile suicides bring
the press and the public eye.
It intrudes on the family and the ideas, thoughts and
feelings processed during the funeral. They also bring large crowds who want to
pay their respects but are totally strangers to the family and I doubt it has
any consoling impact except for showing the person was well known, respected
and will be missed.
Not enough awareness of suicides is the answer. We need to
bring our awareness up and learn to see the signs of distress before it becomes
a critical moment in time and thoughts. Suicides have a lasting impact on
people and I as one do not want to go to another funeral again that was
connected to a suicide. I hope and pray I have attended my last funeral that
was suicide related.
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