Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 19, 2015

22 a Day - A veteran passes away - Suicides

22 a Day – A veteran passes away

The war has been over, the months have passed and here I am crying my tears all over again. I thought I would likely die in combat, the war was so unkind as my friends were dying right beside me, while my guilt to survive was never left behind.

There is no blame to point the finger, the war was my choice as I signed up unconditionally to fight and protect our freedoms. Coming home, I ain’t got a pot to piss in as I lost my everything, including my family, my home and my soul.

Feeling lonely, filled with guilt, I stuffed the white powdery stuff and sniffing till I could no longer stand. My addiction was killing me but the thoughts of dying here and now, were kept at bay by the misery and darkness surrounding me.

I must confess, the trigger finger was itching to find the way to make it end. There was no one there to see me through, there was no way, this feeling of doom would pass so I thought about this murder of myself as I laid there staring at the ceiling and staring at the neatly stacked shells.

I had a Smith & Wesson, a Glock and a Colt AR 15 that I kept there by my side. For my mind was evolving around so quickly, it spun my world so madly, leaving my sanity behind. I felt I had no religion, my hope of surviving had all but gone down the drain. Nobody was there to catch me, nobody was there to share the pain.

I could feel myself a slipping; the head was dizzy with thoughts of going down and end this misery forever. I have sat there in those therapy groups, listening to a group of born again Christians.  Hypocrites they were, I saw no gain in their friendship or keep this company of heathens around me. I knew I needed to be alone.

Choking on emotions, I felt the clock on the wall ticking. My life had no ambition, my heart had no more passion or the human desires to stay alive. I felt I was no longer in existence, my spirit was dying and the flames of hell had come alive. The heat was overbearing, I felt hardly alive.

Staring at the black wall in front of me, I wondered if they would miss me if I were gone. I wonder if I would make history and post my face on the TV for the six o’clock news but in reality, my soul felt empty without a care, and the time had come for me to ask the grim reaper to come and get me.

Oh I knew I would not live forever – I knew they had lied when they said they cared and when I cried. Of course, I knew I could not live forever, even inside my heart, a part of me had died. No longer shouting “forever.” No more will the force or beat of my heart feel the sensation of being alive as the blood no longer rushed like it did before when I felt alive.

I cried, I tried, and I can’t deny I wanted to die, when those around me left there all alone forever. My mind was planted with roadside horror and exploding minefields all around. My license plate gave away my story, a veteran riding alone and ready to die.

Coming home, I never sat high in the sun or glory. My mind was filtered with pain and darkness all around. Somehow, somewhere I had lost my mind and fell down on my knees with a broken spine. I watched their backs like they did mine. I took care of them soldiers’ six mighty fine. I thought it would last forever, I thought they would never die. But you better not look back, or step on that crack, or the world would explode and leave you with a broken back.

I am sitting here staring at the trigger, I loaded one round to see if I had the heart to die. I called the cops, I told them the end game was coming. I never committed no crimes but I knew it was time to die.

I knew the cops were coming. I never talked to them as I turned away from them to talk to God. I told Him it was over, I tote my guns and ready to die. I had a .223, a .45 and a 9mm right there by my side. My pain, my shame and my lack of pride, I could no longer hide.

So here I am, joining 21 other soldiers, Marines and veterans, ready to give it all and lay down my soiled and weakened mind. I polished my Glock with a mighty fine shine, I knew the cops were coming and I sat there silently waiting for them to knock on the door.

Never committed no crimes, I waited for the sun to simmer down and bring the shadows on the wall. Sitting there, without a purpose, I day dreamed of the black Hearst that would take me away into the night. Feeling worthless and knowing I can’t survive the time, I knew it was time for me to die. In the distance, I hear the sirens coming. I knew my time had come to die.

A knock on the door, the cops have come in numbers. Weapons drawn they storm through the front door. Even now, strangers make me nervous, who's that peeking in my window with a pistol to my curtains and then suddenly, I found my trigger finger on the Glock and forever let it shine to dim the lights.