Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My head in a Vise

My head in a Vise

By Carl R ToersBijns

April 8, 2015

 I would never suggest you place your head in a vise and try to imagine the pain I feel is real

Tis too painful to do and experience as you may already know if you have fallen in love with romance and career unless your heart is made of steel

There is no other way to express the pain and frustration than telling you plainly, the truth as it hurts

My head in a vise only expresses my objectified pain and suffering like no other emotion as my words are just a bunch of senseless blurts


The romance was doomed from the moment I met you, standing there in all your beauty and glory

There was no way I could be free and at the same time be with you, it could by no means be a never-ending story

My career skyrocketed as the day was long and the pay was abundantly generous, but knowingly, missing you would make me sad and blue

I couldn’t have asked for a more complex moment to decide which one it was I wanted most

And wouldn’t you know it, the boss said it can’t wait as he wanted me to fly now, way over to the west coast


Knowing I can’t have both and that no matter how hard I attempted or try to hold onto my boo

The most powerful component, gluttony, took over and caused me to choose the job over you

Time did not allow me to make up my mind, the way my heart was telling me to think

And herein lies the problem, for the pain inside me, is knowing I will never see you again

Cause I am being awfully selfish and rather be me, than see you in my plan, not knowing when I could see you again as I close my eyes and blink


In lost time and painful reflection, my changeability and mindset took toll and I was missing you so bad

Every day I was awake, as I woke up to go to work feeling oh so lonely and sad

Shaking my head, talking to myself and saying don’t make any excuses and do not living with any regret

My heart kept aching as it was breaking, as your sweet smile and memory I could never forget

And with every empty moment in time, the voices of us being together come back


So instead of walking with my head in the clouds, my head was in vise

Sometime back, I remember a friend telling me the truth, and giving me advice

She said if you love her, you choose love over greed rather than the desire to succeed

But if your mind is set on making the big time, then it is time for you to move ahead

Sitting here with a splitting headache with a vise clamping down on my head

I should have walked away from greed, I should not have wanted so badly


So here I am, alone in my platinum covered with glass penthouse pad

Knowing it was the wrong message for my heart and my head when looking back at what I have become

And suffering daily with an existing mental concept that I want you back

I am crying out loud now, suffering the consequences of my head tightly twisted and feeling very bad

I try to convince myself it’s all in my head and that I am not really feeling so sad

Ignoring the totality and facts, that I have fallen off my perch up there in my penthouse pad


Making the lushly green colored money and knowing it’s all in my overprized head

I can feel the instability and pain appear again, as a solo tear falls from my eye down my cheek

Thinking how my life has turned into darkness with my broken heart feeling oh so blue and bleak

Working hard on trying to explain this metaphor of my head being inside a vise driving me mad

I toss and turn each night I think of you, as I lay still here in my exaggerated lonely king size bed

But no matter how hard I try or cry to leave your memory or face behind, the vise is still tightly wrapped around my head