Wasted Honor -

Carl R. ToersBijns is the author of the Wasted Honor Trilogy [Wasted Honor I,II and Gorilla Justice] and his newest book From the Womb to the Tomb, the Tony Lester Story, which is a reflection of his life and his experiences as a correctional officer and a correctional administrator retiring with the rank of deputy warden in the New Mexico and Arizona correctional systems.

Carl also wrote a book on his combat experience in the Kindle book titled - Combat Medic - Men with destiny - A red cross of Valor -

Carl is considered by many a rogue expert in the field of prison security systems since leaving the profession. Carl has been involved in the design of many pilot programs related to mental health treatment, security threat groups, suicide prevention, and maximum custody operational plans including double bunking max inmates and enhancing security for staff. He invites you to read his books so you can understand and grasp the cultural and political implications and influences of these prisons. He deals with the emotions, the stress and anxiety as well as the realities faced working inside a prison. He deals with the occupational risks while elaborating on the psychological impact of both prison worker and prisoner.

His most recent book, Gorilla Justice, is an un-edited raw fictional version of realistic prison experiences and events through the eyes of an anecdotal translation of the inmate’s plight and suffering while enduring the harsh and toxic prison environment including solitary confinement.

Carl has been interviewed by numerous news stations and newspapers in Phoenix regarding the escape from the Kingman prison and other high profile media cases related to wrongful deaths and suicides inside prisons. His insights have been solicited by the ACLU, Amnesty International, and various other legal firms representing solitary confinement cases in California and Arizona. He is currently working on the STG Step Down program at Pelican Bay and has offered his own experience insights with the Center of Constitutional Rights lawyers and interns to establish a core program at the SHU units. He has personally corresponded and written with SHU prisoners to assess the living conditions and how it impacts their long term placement inside these type of units that are similar to those in Arizona Florence Eyman special management unit where Carl was a unit deputy warden for almost two years before his promotion to Deputy Warden of Operations in Safford and Eyman.

He is a strong advocate for the mentally ill and is a board member of David's Hope Inc. a non-profit advocacy group in Phoenix and also serves as a senior advisor for Law Enforcement Officers Advocates Council in Chino, California As a subject matter expert and corrections consultant, Carl has provided interviews and spoken on national and international radio talk shows e.g. BBC CBC Lou Show & TV shows as well as the Associated Press.

I use sarcasm, satire, parodies and other means to make you think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 6, 2015

Putting my Demons Asleep

Putting my Demons Asleep


There is more to what you can see or feel, there is more than I can share

For what is within me, does not care for you or me, or whether I sleep or stay awake all day

As long as I feed it the evil it needs, so more evil it can make, it will host my body and stay

I am but a mortal soul, never claiming to be anyone else, especially those who think they were made out of clay


Look into my eyes and see the darkness, look into my soul and see it bare all it can bring of  care

There are no brittle bones that hold me together, there are no feelings I can spare

Don’t get to close to me, please don’t waste your time and don’t ask me what I think,

For how I feel, nobody cares and inside my body hides the darkness that evil brings from inside of me, as my heart and mind when free of evil, beg me to see a shrink


I can feel a tug of war, deep inside my soul; it feels like demons and angels hard at work

Confusing my head, twisting my thoughts and making my life a clockwork of a guessing game

Seeking out the few who still love me no matter what, and scorn those who fail to see the cause or blame

Of those who hide so deep inside of me, to drive this crazy ride, a ride from hell without a grip of my hands, feeling oh so frail

So tell me how my demons act, please tell me you are not too afraid to talk to me, or listen to my horror story or tale


To tell me the truth, and show me some love, as the demons come and go as they please, leaving my heart often broken and feeling shattered and stale.

Just talking about the evil inside me, has turned your skin so wet and pale

The fear in your eyes tells me so much has been taken away, so much has gone astray

If I push you away, it means I care, for the demons inside me make me want to protect you and keep you safe from their deeply entrenched hidden evil power

It’s not at all like it seems as you think I live inside a penthouse up there in the ivory tower,


So if I feel weak or strong it really doesn’t mean a thing for real, as it is the demons inside that control the mood to work or when I look like I want to play

When these demons work, they devour the drowning spirit and when at play they give me away, surrendering to other mortals seeking fun and making me miserable and making me pay

Mistreating my heart and soul, and eating my flesh as they tear me apart like a slaughtered prey

Tossing me around like a rag doll and feeding me like a homeless getting a hand out on a plastic tray


With demons awake, I cannot not breathe, as they take away from what love I need the most

Leaving me the heartbeat of an undead man and giving me the shell of a manly ghost

So I try to make them sleep, and arrange some kind of peace inside of me, serving them as a rudderless host

As I often admit to fail to manage to make them fall asleep, therefore keeping me awake and cause me more pain, a promise to tell all, I cannot keep

Sending sharp telepathic messages to my head, and shut me down as these electronic waves, short circuit the thoughts inside my brain, making me lose control and say those things that demons say

Whether they are at work or play or dead or alive, as I continue to be their vulnerable prey

Never leaving the darkness, not even close to grey, they stay inside me and cause me to forgo me the ability to pray